The Skeptic and the Romantic (Are Not Who You Think)
by Kalcifier
Summary: Alphys is not impressed by her soulmate, at least based on their first words to her. Undyne, however, very much is. (Yes, it's a cheesy soulmate tattoo AU)
1. First Impressions

Alphys had taken to wearing lab coats not long after she turned eighteen. It was convenient, she said. She spent enough time in her lab or doing field experiments that it wasn't worth taking it off.

If you were to get closer to her, she'd admit that she wanted to save on laundry bills. If you're wearing a lab coat, no one will notice if you're wearing the same shirt for the third time in a week.

What she didn't mention were certain other things that went unnoticed when one wore a lab coat. If the sleeves just happened to be too long and covered one's wrists, that's just classic absent-minded scientist behavior. There's no way mild-mannered Alphys could be hiding anything.

It's not like it was even a big thing! She still felt guilty about hiding it, but she felt guilty about so many things that she was able to ignore it most of the time. Burying guilt with other guilt was a valid strategy, especially for something this small.

It's just that her words were... kind of embarrassing. "Out of the way, nerd"? Really? In what world was her soulmate the villain from an eighties teen movie? She might buy it for Mettaton, but she liked to think she had more taste than that.

Shut up, Mew Mew Kissy Cutie was high quality.

At any rate, she had no reason to believe the words on her wrist actually corresponded to her soulmate. Sure, everyone she knew who'd met their person had fallen in love, but that was just anecdotal evidence. She was a scientist, and until she had scientific proof, she felt perfectly justified in ignoring the issue.

* * *

Undyne loved looking at the words that wrapped around her injured eye. Not that she'd admit it of course. She was tough and ate rocks for breakfast, so obviously she didn't have time for useless romantic crap like that. Don't be ridiculous.

She'd heard the rumors that she didn't have any words. Some of the younger recruits even claimed that she didn't have a soulmate because she didn't have a soul. When she'd first heard that one, she'd laughed so hard she'd almost passed out. Had they even seen her out of her armor? The only reason she was so stoic wearing it was because her voice echoed weirdly.

Not that her words were visible even out of the armor, what with the eyepatch. She was kind of okay with that; her soulmate's first words to her were private.

She already loved them, too. "Really?!" the words read, and she loved the passion that it conveyed. (Two punctuation marks; now that's classy.) What's more, the mysterious soulmate was clearly awestruck by her, since they had to check to make sure she was real.

She could picture it now: she'd probably save their life, then say something smooth and sweep them off their feet. They'd be so overwhelmed with emotion that "really" would be all they could say, and then they'd give up on words and kiss her. She obviously couldn't let them beat her, so she'd kiss back, and then they'd move in and the two of them would spend the rest of their lives training and performing feats of awesomeness together.

Man, she couldn't wait to meet her soulmate.


	2. A Meeting

Undyne loved the dump. Humans were terrible, but they had managed to come up with some awesome things. Sometimes they even dropped weapons into the underground! Clearly, this was proof of their inferiority.

Admittedly, she hadn't found any weapons recently, but still. There were plenty of things she could find that might be useful, even if they weren't as cool.

She readied herself to dive into another pile (the best way to see everything was to wrestle it into submission), only to stop when she noticed someone else in the cave. They seemed to be some kind of lizard monster, and they wore a white lab coat. They were staring into the abyss with an odd expression.

Undyne looked at them for a moment, and then she realized what they were probably thinking. The understanding hit her like a blow. She rushed forward without thinking, knowing only that she could not let the monster go through with their plan.

In her haste, she failed to take into account the mound of trash between her and her destination. As she raced past, her foot knocked the pile off balance, sending its contents flying.

So instead of the uplifting inspirational message she was planning, the first words out of her mouth were, "Out of the way, nerd!"

Way to make a first impression, she thought. Very heroic.

* * *

Alphys wasn't sure why she kept coming to the dump. It wasn't like she enjoyed it anymore, and she was far too much of a coward to go through with any of her half-hearted plans. She was just increasing her chances of being seen by someone else looking for an explanation she couldn't give.

On the other hand, it was much harder to avoid thinking about her crimes when they were right below her. At least at the dump she could step back and consider the larger picture of her own disgustingness.

Besides, there was something weirdly soothing about watching the cycle of trash. Surrounded by worthless, broken, and otherwise useless things, she was practically at home.

Of course, that calm was broken when she heard a voice call from behind her, "Out of the way, nerd!" Her heart seemed to stop beating as she ran through worst case scenarios: her soulmate was related to one of her victims and came looking for answers, and when Alphys couldn't give them they'd hate her forever. They already hated her for ruining their solitude.

The wave of trash barreling toward her was enough to snap her out of her self-flagellation. She took a moment to gape, then pulled herself together. She was a scientist, after all. She could approach this analytically.

After another moment of consideration, she took a deep breath and gave her scientific opinion. "Really?!" she said, as she braced herself to be buried under a sea of garbage.


	3. The Dreaded Conversation

Alphys had thought a lot about her own death recently, but she'd never expected it would come in the form of suffocation by garbage. It wasn't entirely inappropriate, to be fair, but it was also unusual enough that she thought she could be excused. And right after meeting her soulmate, too.

At least they'd be spared the disappointment of getting to know her. She tried to take comfort in that thought, but her soulmate evidently had other ideas. One minute Alphys was standing at the leading edge of a garbage tsunami, and the next she was being carried through the air by a buff fish monster.

She wasn't sure this was any better. She was safe for the moment, but she didn't think she preferred the idea of dying after bursting her blood vessels from blushing too hard.

Still, by the time they landed she had almost remembered how to be a person again. "So, th-thank you! For, uh, saving me, I mean," she said.

Her soulmate grinned down at her for a moment before remembering that they were still carrying Alphys. They put her down carefully, still grinning but not meeting her eyes. "Well, it is what I do," they said. "I'm Undyne, Captain of the Royal Guard."

Alphys managed to stammer out an introduction, but she wasn't sure quite what she was saying because oh my God her soulmate was the Captain of the Royal Guard. Of course she knew who Undyne was, everyone knew about the monster who'd been trained by Asgore himself. Did they even have anything in common? What was she going to talk about?

She noticed Undyne's mouth moving and shoved her panic to the back of her mind. "— do you think it goes?" Undyne was saying.

Alphys had to admit, she'd never been concerned with that part. She just pictured - _things_ falling into a void and disappearing. On the other hand, she had retained some skills from school, and the ability to improvise was high on the list. "Well, um, there's a ch-chance that it just goes, uh, straight through the Earth's crust, in which case it all gets, incinerated? But, uh, that doesn't seem likely..."

Undyne wasn't laughing at her yet, so Alphys decided to go with it. She could handle talking about science, at least in the abstract. Besides, maybe this way she could let Undyne realize how useless Alphys was without having to tell her. She could let her down gently and save her the trouble of having such a terrible soulmate.

For once, she actually had a plan.

* * *

Undyne hadn't been sure quite what to do next. Alphys was so cute (and apparently the Royal Scientist!), but she had closed off when Undyne had introduced herself. She also kind of wanted to address what Alphys has been doing before Undyne had made her dynamic entrance, but the mood didn't seem right anymore. Besides, Undyne could have been reading the situation wrong. There was a first time for everything.

Instead, she opened her mouth and asked the first question that came to mind. "The trash waterfall is pretty cool, right? Where do you think it goes?"

That hadn't been what she'd expected to say, but it got Alphys talking. She'd seemed nervous at first, but picked up confidence as she kept talking. Undyne didn't understand most of what she was saying, but was captivated anyway. Her soulmate was so smart.

... Shit, this was her soulmate. As much as she enjoyed hearing Alphys talk about things she liked, they should probably have that conversation. She waited until Alphys was winding down with her current theory (something about an under-underground?), then cleared her throat. Alphys jumped, and Undyne instantly felt guilty. Still, she was used to that sort of thing, so she forged ahead. "As cool as this is, I have to ask: you are my soulmate, right?"

Alphys nodded, and Undyne had to restrain herself from doing a fist pump. "Oh man, does that mean you have 'out of the way, nerd' written somewhere on your body? That's awesome! Can I see?"

Alphys stuck out her wrist, and there it was. Undyne cackled. She'd been picturing her words as being more heroic, but this was just as good. Of course, Alphys' were also pretty great. "Do you want to my tattoo?" she asked.

"N-no, I'm fine," Alphys said. "... Does it really just say 'really'? I'm so sorry."

"No, it's great!" Undyne said. "It's got a question mark and an exclamation point!" She considered showing it to Alphys to prove her point, but decided it should be Alphys' choice as to when to see it. "Anyway, soulmate, I think this calls for a celebration. What do you want to do?"

Alphys considered the question. "D-do you like... anime?" she asked hesitantly.

"Never heard of it!" Undyne said. "What is it?"

"It's cartoons... based on human history? My favorite is this one called Mew Mew Kissy Cutie, about this girl named Mew Mew, and she's a human but she has cat ears, and also..."

She trailed off, but Undyne was already convinced. Anything that could get her soulmate this excited had to be a good thing. "Sounds good! Why don't you show me some so I can see for myself?"

"Okay," Alphys said. "I guess just come with me? I live in Hotland, but the River Person stops right by my house..."

She still didn't sound entirely convinced, but Undyne didn't care. She had found her soulmate, and they had the rest of their lives to figure it out.


End file.
